If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
