If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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