I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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