I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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