I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize