I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
