I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
