Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
