Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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