Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
