good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
