I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
