So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
