got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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