plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
