Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
