I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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