my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
