I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
