I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize