Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
