there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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