So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
