Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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