I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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