I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
