oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize