I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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