Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
