I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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