3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
