she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
