you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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