Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
