yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
