i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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