Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
