she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
