the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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