my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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