His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
