Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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