I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
