Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
