Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
