That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
