someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
