He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They took my balls.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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