It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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