Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
