Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
