I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
