This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
