he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
A bitchslap is in order.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
