did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
