we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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