I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
