am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize