3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
