Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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