Apparently you make a good broom.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
