Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
