I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
