I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
