Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
