drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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