Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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