Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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