its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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