Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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